apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
