areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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