Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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