yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
