i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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