I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
