Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
