i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
