kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
