She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
