Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
