had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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