I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
