My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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