my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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