Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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