YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
