there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
