Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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