I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
