Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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