You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
