i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
