you guys were way drunker than both of me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This toilet bowl is my home.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
