If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
