Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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