you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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