After last night, I could never be a politician.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
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