"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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