peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
