but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
