I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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