When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
