Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
