Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
