woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
