my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
