Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
