I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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