I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
