Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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