Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
