So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
