please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Randomize
