Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
