Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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