I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
