If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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