why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
