It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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