just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
